Emptying the Jar and Trusting the Timing

This lovely jar is one of the greatest sources of contentment in my life.

This is a Gratitude Jar, and every day this year I’ve written down the thing(s) I’m most grateful for on a slip of paper and added it to the jar. Sometimes I do a weekly recap rather than an individual day. Sometimes it’s written on a receipt, or a ticket stub, or a page torn out of my calendar. It always makes me feel good to do it, and I have loved watching the slips of paper slowly fill up this jar of good things.

As I begin my Happiness Project, I thought it would be
helpful to see what has brought me the most joy in 2015. Yesterday, I dumped all the slips of paper out and looked at them out one by one, jotting down what made me happy: the people, the places, the experiences. I made charts with tally marks, listing sources of happiness in different categories and looking for patterns in what brings me joy.

Most things were not at all surprising. I love spending time with my favorite people. I feel best when I get outside, especially if it’s to exercise. I love to feel inspired, connected, supported and supportive.

Other things were surprising. While I thought I would probably feel best on the days when I had lots of down time and could read, watch Netflix, or just generally relax, I actually wrote the most positive things on days when I completed a significant project, especially when it had taken several days or weeks or months of hard work. My biggest joys and emotional highs came from persistence, dedication, and surprising myself by doing something I thought I couldn’t.

This exercise was good preparation for what happened halfway through my project. My boyfriend and I unexpectedly broke up, ending a two year relationship which was one of my greatest sources of laughter, adventure, and comfort. I sat in shock after it happened, the gears in my mind trying to process everything and determine how to move forward.

But because I have embarked on this project, there are a few things I know:

(1) The happiness we shared does not go away because the relationship has.

(2) You don’t lose anything by loving someone, especially if it is done wholeheartedly and with the best intentions. A phone call with my dad last night was an especially amazing source of comfort and inspiration. He reminded me that relationships teach you how to love, and you spend much of the time learning about yourself–what you have to offer, what your barriers to love might be, what it means to really give others your best. And that doesn’t go away, nor is that love specific to a romantic relationship. That kind of love can be universal. It can be all-encompassing. It can be given to one person or to every person; it can be given to yourself and to the Universe as a whole.

(3) I didn’t lose myself. I gave time, energy, and pure love to the relationship, and I don’t regret a moment of it. What my little slips of paper showed me is that I also nurtured my own growth, sought out my own happiness, pursued my own goals and passions, loved my own family and friends, and still made room for someone else to be a part of all of that.

I certainly have a long road of processing ahead of me, but I have a feeling that the timing of this project is going to be a big help.

Based on my what I discovered from my gratitude jar, I’ve determined the theme for November, the first month of my Happiness Project: Enter Through Beauty.

I heard this phrase in a video of affirmations by Louise Hay. She said that the entrance to a home should be nicely decorated so that when you enter it, you enter through beauty. I have done a good job of this in my bedroom. This collage is on my bedroom door, so the first messages I read when I enter it are: “Hold fast to what is good”; “Wander off the path”; “Something beautiful is on the horizon”; “You are never too old to set a new goal or to dream a new dream”; and “Just breathe.” This is a great start to entering through beauty. My mom helped me decorate the room itself, and with her eye for details, coordination, and feng shui, it’s become a peaceful haven, and I love to be in it.

It’s time to extend that to the rest of the apartment. I live with wonderful people. I genuinely look forward to seeing them at the end of the day. I love our neighborhood. What we all don’t love is that we have more stuff than we need, and that we haven’t taken a real stab at decorating the place in a way that suits us. It’s something we’re all aware of, yet we don’t really know what to do because everyone works or attends grad school full time (and then some) and we need to be budget-conscious.

So I’m going to make it my project to make this place beautiful. In November, I will do 30 projects for the 30 days. Some big, some small. Realistically, I won’t be home to do one every single day, so sometimes I’ll do two or three quick projects in a day. And some might take care of themselves–for instance, one of my roommates feels very motivated to reorganize the kitchen, since he cooks so often.

This one month won’t change everything, but 30 small things can add up to a place we all like to live even more. I want to begin and end my day with beauty.

The Happiness Project

“I had everything I could possibly want–yet I was failing to appreciate it. Bogged down in petty complaints and passing crises, weary of struggling with my own nature, I too often failed to comprehend the splendor of what I had. I didn’t want to keep taking these days for granted.” –The Happiness Project, Gretchen Rubin.

I picked up Rubin’s book yesterday and can hardly put it down. I am halfway through and completely inspired, and I’ve been wanting to feel this way for weeks, or months, or maybe longer.

Rubin shares her “Happiness Project”–twelves months of goals, mantras, and life philosophies that she uses to try to improve her attitude toward life. Her approach makes so much sense: listmaking and goal setting come naturally to me, and she groups these lists and goals into themes, which are simple and profound at the same time.

Rubin’s approach to happiness is fun. So many books about self improvement involve a great deal of self discipline. And while Rubin does some of that, too, her goal is to enjoy her life more–and that’s what I’m looking for. I don’t necessarily want to sit in meditation every day for 30 minutes, despite knowing that would have positive effects. I want to laugh more. I want to figure out what I truly enjoy and do more of that. I want to feel good about the work that I do and the way that I spend my days.

I have a really good life, full of love and positivity and pleasant surroundings. I am deeply grateful. The immense privilege of living this life is not lost on me. The circumstances are really ideal.

But I don’t feel like I’m truly living. I don’t feel that I’m experiencing the depth and richness of my life. I don’t feel that I’m spending most of my time in a way that reflects who I truly am and what I value. I feel like I have more to give; like I could be more engaged; like I could put my whole heart into more things; like I could live this life that I’m so fortunate to have with a lot more gusto and appreciation and fearlessness.

And, if I am being entirely honest, there are many days when I wake up with a sinking feeling; one of “I didn’t think I would have to give up my dreams so soon.” I feel like the life I’m living is turning into one of resignation to the routine. I am accepting that this phase of life is difficult, yet I’m digging my heels in at the thought of going through the motions the same way for the rest of my life. That seems dramatic because it feels that dramatic to me.

I feel like this is a critical moment in my life. What I do now matters; what I decide my life will be like matters; and if I don’t change this sense of discomfort and dread now, it will only intensify and become my norm in time. I don’t want to feel this way five years from now, or even five months from now, and it is my responsibility (and mine alone) to ensure that I create a life I am happy to be living.

So, here it goes: my one year happiness project will begin November 1. Unpacking old feelings. Moving into the life I have now. Decorating my own soul with the things that I want to feel and creating the space for a new, better reality.

Care to join?