They won’t see your heart.

Eight months ago, I wrote this post about my decision to leave my first post-grad job, and the words of wisdom shared by the man I was training to replace me. “You have to focus on where your heart is and where your passion lies,” he said.

At the time, hearing those words felt like being given permission to pursue something deeper and more suited to who I am. I felt so grateful to him for saying that, and I really, really needed to hear it then.

And recently, I told him how grateful I was for everything he said in our brief time working together. We just reconnected (thanks, internet!) and caught one another up on what we are doing for work, school, and so on. And as we talked, he dropped even more wisdom.

I am sharing this because I think it applies to so many people. This is not something we hear often enough (if ever). How often are we reminded that there is more to us than our resumes and credentials and “relevant experiences”–and that seeking something more is not selfish, but necessary?

Here’s what he said:

“People will see your skills and offer you opportunities based on what they see. But they won’t see your heart as easily as they see your gifts.“

Woah. Reading that, I felt like he was naming something I have never named. I expect people to see, understand, and speak to my heart. That is, of course, not something many employers do. But that certainly speaks to the challenges I have faced in the world of work, as a result of both unrealistic expectations as well as ignoring those intuitive nudges from within. Don’t we all want to be understood, and do something that is not just a good fit for our skill set, but for our true selves?

“Sometimes, people just go where their gifts take them and end up in a place that is soul-crushing for them, even though the specifics of their situation look very good from the outside. So you don’t have to take every opportunity; If your heart isn’t in it, it will be hard to sustain the effort that you have to put into a career.”

Yes. Even a situation that is very good–and the situations I have been in were and are, objectively, very good–will not necessarily be right. Not everything that is practical or lucrative or a good match for one’s particular talents will be right. Personally, I feel I am on a journey of finding things that are more and more “right.” Baby steps.

“[S]ometimes the exploration process will lead you to develop specific skills that you will need to do something in the future. The skills might be obvious ones now or might be latent ones that will surprise you. Also, who you are as a person (and your desires and values) will change somewhat as you as you age and go through different seasons in your life. If you continue to grow as a person, you may find yourself doing something you never expected and enjoying it.”

I absolutely believe this. When I looked back on my experiences in my previous job I realized that, as short a time as it was in the grand scheme of my career, I learned so much. I’m sure that there are more lessons to come from the whole experience in the future.

For now, a simple and superficial example is that between the job and my academic experiences, I got very comfortable speaking in front of groups. I know how to engage people, make eye contact, slow my speech, and read the room. The job tested that ability, and now I know that I can do it–and that is the case with many experiences that don’t have many immediately obvious benefits.

Pretty neat to think that an acquaintance could offer such timely, powerful advice, huh?

 

If this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is.

“And I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, ‘If this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is.'” -Kurt Vonnegut

It’s been a few months since I have actively worked on my Happiness Project–but contentment, energy, and enthusiasm have found me nonetheless.

The Project was such a good way for me to get started in building a different kind of life. When I first read the book in October, I was feeling stuck. Lethargic. Frustrated. Hurt. Small. Discouraged.

Reading the book woke me up: I realized that I had to make changes, and that no one else could do that for me. I recognized that I had all the important pillars of a happy life: health, independence, loving family and friends, a place to live, an education, a world full of opportunities. I had the tools, connections, and resources to take advantage of anything I set my mind to, and my circumstances were beyond simply fortunate.

Knowing this, and reading the book, I kept thinking: if  I’m not living a life I enjoy, that’s on me. I have all the tools I need. At this point, it is a matter of making the decision to change whatever is not working, and nothing is preventing me from doing that.

And how wonderful is it to be able to say that? It has not always been the case. I realized then, more fully than ever before, how much had changed in my life–especially mentally and emotionally. I had what I had always wished for: the peace of mind and strength of heart (and, frankly, the resources which only come with adulthood) to choose my life. Years ago, I only hoped that would be the case.

So, I set out to diligently work on my Happiness Project goals. At first, I did just that. And then, little by little, the goals seemed unnecessary. The simple act of prioritizing joy–seeking it, spending time cultivating it, talking about it–helped me look at life as an opportunity to enjoy myself. To connect with people. To make it fun. To sometimes be balanced and sometimes forget all about balance.

In the last few months, I have…

• Climbed two mountains (and set a new goal of climbing 46 more, to do all 48 of the New Hampshire 4,000 footers. I mean, that view.)
• Leased a new car (which I am obsessed with)
• Gone through another breakup (seems like the Universe is really going to keep pushing this love-yourself-first lesson until I get it, huh?)
• Visited two new states (with another one to come this weekend)
• Booked a trip to Iceland, a weekend in Canada, and started planning a visit to Costa Rica, all for this year
• Cooked an delicious, memorable meal and was joined by some of my closest friends for it–almost all of whom I have known for less than a year
• Reunited with family down South for a week of adventures
• Become a mentor (through a program that I am also obsessed with)

This list is not meant to be a reflection of accomplishments or “goals” achieved, so much as a reminder that this–this life that I am living–is the one I dreamed about. That these are the things I have wanted to do. Traveling, climbing mountains, loving people: these are the things that make me feel like me in a way that is refreshing and which I have never before felt as strongly.

Nor is this list meant to imply that everything is perfect. Of course, it isn’t. But the imperfections and frustrations feel better, too. They do not come close to outweighing the happiness I feel. They are manageable and I feel like I do not have to figure things out on my own. That, too, is refreshing. I have a deeper sense of trust in life when I know that I can text my best friend something personal and troubling, and she will know just what to say, and pass no judgment. I can talk more openly with my family, friends, and roommates than ever before, for the simple reason that our relationships are good and I feel accepted by them. Knowing you are loved is empowering beyond measure. And I don’t know that I have ever felt so secure and confident in that love as I do now.

Essentially, the life I am living right now is the one I wanted for myself. There is more to do, and see, and figure out, but for right now I’m just going to let it ride. I think the Universe is bringing me more good things. And I feel that I have so much left to discover. In the words of Gaby Comprés:

 

Cleaning, cleaning, cleaning.

Major spring cleaning has begun. And I’m talking big changes.

For the sake of comparison and to appreciate how much this apartment will come in the course of the next few weeks, here are some photos of the apartment’s living room the day I moved in: 

   
   
And here are some photos of it today, on Phase 2, Day 2 of cleaning like crazy: 

   
   
Slowly but surely, it’ll become a totally different room! 

Happiness Project, Month 5: Back to Square One

 
For this month’s phase of the Happiness Project, I’m going to repeat the goal I had in the first month: beautify my apartment, aka Enter Through Beauty. 

I love the habits I’m developing through this Project, and I like the way it makes me prioritize things in a new way. I think I’m going to commit to signing the lease for my apartment for a second year–and that means I need to get back to my goal of making it nicer. So, this month will be about decluttering, hanging tapestries, burning candles, organizing Tupperware–you name it. I’ll still be working on my other goals, too–but making our space as nice as possible is going to be at the top of my list! 

Leap Day Thoughts

 

It’s Leap Day. This extra day in the month has me thinking about a lot of things. It’s been a beautiful month and a heavy one. It’s had delightful surprises and unwelcome ones. It’s been about heartache and acceptance; frustration and hope; positive changes and uncertain ones. It’s been one for the books, and on this final day of the month, I am processing everything I’ve been thinking, feeling, and coming to understand in the past 29 days. I’m ready to end February on the right note. 

Some thoughts for this final day of February: 

•It is essential that we close the door to the past and welcome the future. Walk through that threshold. Stop looking back. 
•It can feel impossible to forgive yourself for lapses in judgment–to forgive yourself for being too trusting, too naive, too idealistic. But it is empowering to decide that not only do you deserve your own forgiveness, but you need to cultivate those feelings of optimism and faith despite the number of times these feelings have been put to the test. 
•Hardening your heart only hurts you. It won’t ever prevent you from getting hurt by others. And if you choose bitterness and cynicism, you will just be pushing away the beautiful things that are out there for you to experience.
•As the saying goes: hurt people hurt other people. Knowing this doesn’t always prevent you from saying something you regret or lashing out at the wrong person. But it’s pretty amazing when someone can recognize that your feelings and actions are stemming from a place of hurt, and are understanding of that and willing to help you through it. 
•So, stay open. Remember that when you choose someone, you choose all of them, and they choose all of you. Be kind. Be hopeful. Support others and ask for help in return. 
•At the end of the day, some words from Ram Dass seem to sum up the things I have felt and thought and experienced not only this month, but throughout the past few years: “We’re all just walking each other home.” We all accompanying one another in our journeys. We need to have one another’s backs, and we owe one another support, encouragement, and love. We’re in this together. 

Happiness Project: Month 4, Day 15

 
It’s 15 days into the month where I’m supposed to be meditating every morning, and guess what? I haven’t even done it once yet. Cheers to imperfection, and to a month that’s turning out to be quite happy nonetheless. This weekend’s adventures:

https://samanthabissell.wordpress.com/2016/02/15/freezing-our-buns-off-in-a-new-york-minute/

Happiness Project: Month 4, Day 2

February begins month four of my year-long Happiness Project. The first three months have changed my life more than I could have imagined at the beginning. 

Doing a Happiness Project has caused me to focus on the smaller things and develop better habits–what I eat, how I decorate my apartment, how I choose to spend my free time–which enable me to handle the bigger things with more ease, strength, and confidence. 

 February’s project is going to be to meditate in the morning. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about how I could make the most of my mornings. There have been many points in my life where I didn’t get out of bed until the very last minute because I didn’t want to face the day ahead. I didn’t feel ready to face whatever it was that I was afraid of, saddened by, or exhausted just thinking about. These reasons had very little to do with feeling physically tired and much to do with feeling emotionally exhausted. 

That’s not the case now, which is something to celebrate! When my alarm goes off, I might hit snooze a few times, but I genuinely look forward to starting my day. I feel that each day is full of potential and promise, and I look forward to what will happen. 

Because of that, I want to make my mornings even better by doing a 5-10 minute guided meditation most mornings. I think this practice will set a good tone for my day. My goal is to do them when I first wake up, but if I don’t get a chance to do that, I can always do one on the bus on the way to work. 

Ideally, I would like to wake up earlier, too–but one habit at a time, right? 

And you learn and learn

Tonight, I was feeling low, and then I thought of this beautiful poem:   

So I picked up some flowers, because I’m dating myself and because I need to decorate my own soul, first and foremost.   
Here’s to a week of remembering to build a life that’s based on the present moment. To letting go of a future that may have fallen down mid-flight in favor of the new one that awaits, whatever it may be. Here’s to self love and to having faith. Here’s to flowers and poems and reminders of what’s really important. 

Have a little faith

I woke up on this rainy Sunday morning and browsed through my Instagram feed. I was still half asleep when I saw that the account @happihabits had posted a question: “If you could write a note to your younger self, what would you say in just 2 words?” 

I laid there and thought about it. And I would say: Have faith.

Have faith that life will support you and things will work themselves out. Have faith that if you respect and honor yourself, you will attract the right kind of people into your life. Have faith that many of the best experiences of your life are still to come. Enjoy what you are doing now, and remain optimistic about what’s next, even if you can’t imagine what that might be.

 

Two years ago, loving life in Costa Rica

 
Have faith that you will be supported at every turn; that you will build a life you love and are proud of; and that any changes that occur in your life will only better you. Have faith that you will make the right choices, and that you will know what to do when it’s time to take action. Life will surprise and delight you the most when you just let it happen. 

I recently read Alan Watts’ The Wisdom of Insecurity: A Message for the Age of Anxiety. Watts writes about the difference between belief and faith. He essentially says that “belief” means you need things to be a certain way, and that “faith” means you are opening yourself up to the truth, whatever it may be. In his words:

“Belief, as I use the word here, is the insistence that the truth is what one [would] wish it to be. The believer will open his mind to the truth on the condition that it fits in with his preconceived ideas and wishes. Faith, on the other hand, is an unreserved opening of the mind to the truth, whatever it may turn out to be. Faith has no preconceptions; it is a plunge into the unknown. Belief clings, but faith lets go.” 

This is what I would tell myself two years ago, and what I am telling myself now. Let go. Let it all happen. Have a little faith. 

Twinkly Lights & Cardio

Hanging out in my cozy room, getting my butt to my favorite exercise class, and eating leftover Thai food – pretty happy about this Tuesday! 

Today’s Happiness Project progress: 

• Enter through beauty: put up my vision board and a world map! 
• Physical health: went to Zumba (which always makes me feel great) 
• Date myself: today I didn’t really work toward this goal. However, when I was tempted to be critical of myself for “not being productive enough,” I thought of what I’d tell someone else: it all comes in waves. Some days, you’ll get a lot done – and others, you won’t. It’s all part of the process. This reminder was enough to make me feel like I kept my best interests in mind today.